Happy Birthday to Me

Another birthday has passed
Thoughts turn to birthmother
Wearied inevitability of the nothingness
Am I tired of wonderment
or just accepting of it?

“When I was just a little girl,
I asked my mother what lies ahead?
Will I be wanted, will I be loved
here’s what my mother said” (personal liberties taken with the lyrics, of course)

Nothing
she said nothing
Well, maybe she said “don’t, can’t, shouldn’t”
instead of “will, can, want”
Aahh…those mothers born

My REAL mother said
“will, want, can”
and she raised a good daughter
one who cries for the absent
but loves the present

I suppose there is still some anger
but a gleam of understanding as well
I am here, I have lived a good life
I have loved and been loved

Happy birthday to me, and thanks from your daughter

©Kim Eun Mi
Young

Evangelicals’ Adoption Battlecry – The Daily Beast

As Bill Clinton works to spring U.S. missionaries charged with kidnapping in Haiti, the case highlights a new evangelical strategy: Adopt Third World babies and convert them.

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Act of God

Act of god requires
Children taken
Birthmothers erased

Act of god requires
Blindness
Denial

Does god receive payment
For what is done in his name?

At the end of time

I’m sitting in the emergency room with an elderly lady who’s being admitted into the hospital, and after that, a nursing home.  It is what it is.  She has brought a plastic bag with her (and 2 purses).  She unties her little bag and pulls out a home phone and a red box.  She opened the red box to show me her most prized possessions; 4 costume jewelry necklaces and 3 cheap rings.  That’s what she had to show for her life.  A home phone that wasn’t charged, and a box of cheap jewelry. 

What will be in my box at the end of my life?  What will be in yours?

Adoption agencies suck ass!

At the asian festival, what is wrong with this picture??

Soooo….today I went to the Asian festival.  It’s been a coupla  years since I went last, but a friend of mine wanted to go, so I thought “what the hell”. 

Last time I went, this adoption agency was there.   I remember feeling both offended and violated that an adoption agency would actually be represented.  At that time, I called and complained to the Texas Institute of Cultures and to the Great Wall of China agency.   In fairness, the lady who I spoke with at the agency was nice and actually offered to have me come and speak to PAPs, which I agreed to do.

My friend, Trish, and I went and spoke at the PAP get-together.   All of these potentials sat there, a picture of some nameless asian child encased in a picture frame.    This was a meeting for those who had finally been assigned a child.    I remember one lady who walked in with the picture in a very expensive frame, trailed by her hen-pecked hubby who was actually carrying their lap dog!    Of course, this couple also decided NOT to stay for the talk that Trish and I were giving.    The one that probably needed it most didn’t stay.   I remember thinking, what kind of screening do these agencies do?!

Anyways, two or three years laters, this agency is still out there, peddling their wares at the festival.    I wonder what goes through their minds.   I wonder if they really think they can pull in more money by setting up a booth.   I, as an adoptee, come to the festival trying to connect with some of my roots.  While there, I feel happy and sad, angry and contemplative.  What I don’t want to come face-to-face with is a business that profits from our losses! 

So, I’ll voice my complaint again this year as well, but I’m guessing it won’t make a difference.    After all, I’m sure that the Great Wall of China is paying a hefty sum to be there, and as we know in adoption, money speaks louder than….well, everything.

I Am Loved

My parents said "she left because she loved you"

My husband said" I love you but I must leave you"

Is it any wonder I flinch

When I am loved?

 

©2006 Kim Eun Mi Young

The Test

We hurt ourselves
To feel alive
We hurt others
Because we must
Test
Always
Testing
To find worthiness
Of being loved
To find acknowledgement
That we are not worthy
Of love
We, who were left in trash cans
Sidewalks
Hospital waiting rooms
Search always
for that first love

 

©2006 Kim Eun Mi Young

 

 

 

Goodbye to Two Sisters, One Known and One Unknown

I recently lost two “sisters”.  Not biological siblings.  One of them was a friend of 20 years.  The other, I hardly knew.  I mourn their loss equally.

 

Julia was a fellow KAD (see http://juliasworld.wordpress.com/2008/05/31/i-cry-for-you/).  After a long battle with leukemia, this young, wonderful woman passed away on 5/31/08.  She left behind people who really knew her and people who only knew her through the KAD group and her blog.  She is mourned by all.  Her story of her struggle with adoption is one that most adoptees know all too well.  She handled it all with grace, compassion, and love.

 

My other “sister” was a dear friend.  We’ve been through a lot together.  We’ve laughed, fought, and shared each other’s secrets.  Even when we came at issues from opposite sides, we remained sisters.  I cannot call her sister any longer.  She has become an anti-semite and a racist.  Her words are rabid and destructive.  Fear consumes her.  I wonder if she would have hated Julia too, simply because she was a Jew?

 

How twisted life is.  One woman died, loving.  The other lives, hating.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heroes

For some reason this morning, as I was getting ready for work, the word “hero” came to mind.  Musta been something I read recently.   

Anywho, I always find it amusing when people name actors as heroes.  Actors?  Musicians?  These aren’t heroes.  They’re just normal people, like you and I, who have a job that they go to on a regular basis, and make tons of money doing it.  Sometimes they give to charities.  Most of the time, they’re just dysfunctional human beings, trying to be as happy as they can—just like the rest of us. 

Heroes are people who have gone above and beyond, who sacrifice worldly goods, or go to extremes to save someone, or give their lives for others. 

Heroes are also us…..the adoptees of the world.  Who else is disconnected from their primal bond, handed over to a complete stranger, and for transracial adoptees, plunked down into a community that doesn’t look like them at all?  And we SURVIVE, or at least most of us do.   Some of us don’t; some of us make the ultimate sacrifice and end up in a family that is abusive or worse, like the family of 4 who were killed by their adoptive father recently. 

To all of my adoptee heroes, I wish you well, I wish you love.

Responses to my most recent post

1.      Mia | servinchrist@yahoo.com | lightbright02.blogspot.com | IP: 24.21.114.244 I could go on and on about how wrong you are but instead I wonder what hurts have caused you to make such ugly, ignorant statements? How can you make such judgemental statements about someone you have never met? I am sorry for whatever pain in your past that has lead you to say such horrible things about adoptive parents. I am praying for you that you come to know the love of Christ-He can heal your pain because He too has scars. One thing I want to leave you with. Of course it would be the best thing for my child to have stayed with her bio mom. That however, was not an option. Would you rather she were sleeping in an orphanage right now or on the streets of a 3rd world country instead of in the arms of her daddy who loves her more than life itself?1.     

 kelley | kelley1975@lycos.com | IP: 70.59.155.184 I came here from Mia’s site. At first I was so extraordinarily angry that you would attack her and her beautiful family without even knowing her. Then I skimmed through your archives and saw that you are a very angry, sad person. I don’t know what happened to you in your life, but it isn’t fair to assume that the situation you were/are in is the same for every adopted child or family. Mia’s is one of the most loving, wonderful families I know, and I am sad that you apparently did not have the same. Family and love has nothing to do with biology–there are shitty biological parents, too. I know that you are going to delete this, but oh well…. 

**Someone found my blogggg!**

 I’ve received two replies from two very angry, sad people.  They are hurt that I picked on someone’s blog, and have taken it very personally; as though I was attacking the author herself. 

So, let me clear up their misconceptions: 

* “Mia” is a representation of every new parent out there, who adopts trans-racially and then just gushes about forever families and red threads, etc. etc   I suggest that you new APs and PAPs stop talking about that kind of crap and start looking at the complexities of adoption.  Read some books by adoptees.  Join groups that talk about the “hard” stuff.  Get ready for that time that your children start asking the hard questions.   

BTW, there are other options besides “would you rather she were sleeping in an orphanage or on the streets”.  Please expand your knowledge base or don’t ask those questions. 

*  Sigh…..again with the “you must have had a terrible family life”  Not really true.  Of course, as a minority in a predominantly white community, I most definitely had to deal with the racism, the stereotypes, and not having anyone around that looked like me.  But my parents were as cool as they could be back then.  So again, let me say for the millionth time to people who can only think that I had a terrible childhood…..I did not.  I love my parents and have a very good relationship with them.

 * We, adoptees, tend to have a very warped sense of humor.  When I see something that amuses me, I run with it.  The “you know you’re an adoptive mother if….” was very very funny.  It incorporated God, saving third-world children, and a complete dismissal of someone’s first mother all in one nicely packaged post.  I couldn’t help myself—the DNA that God gave me while I sat in a third-world orphanage REQUIRED a response. 

* Am I angry?  Yeah, I am.  I’m angry at adoption agencies that don’t require that PAPs understand the complexities of adoption.  I’m angry at people who don’t take the time to LEARN what it takes to raise a transracial child in a western culture before they adopt, leaving their child to navigate a very confusing world.  But I’m NOT angry at APs who do read adoptee books, who ask the hard questions, who do their best to raise their child.  I have the utmost respect for them. 

So, Mia, if you ever decide that you actually want to sincerely talk with an adult adoptee, or other APs who have walked before you, please contact me.  I will give you my respect and my advice.  You may not be ready yet, but you’d better start preparing before your adoptee starts asking.