Responses to my most recent post

1.      Mia | servinchrist@yahoo.com | lightbright02.blogspot.com | IP: 24.21.114.244 I could go on and on about how wrong you are but instead I wonder what hurts have caused you to make such ugly, ignorant statements? How can you make such judgemental statements about someone you have never met? I am sorry for whatever pain in your past that has lead you to say such horrible things about adoptive parents. I am praying for you that you come to know the love of Christ-He can heal your pain because He too has scars. One thing I want to leave you with. Of course it would be the best thing for my child to have stayed with her bio mom. That however, was not an option. Would you rather she were sleeping in an orphanage right now or on the streets of a 3rd world country instead of in the arms of her daddy who loves her more than life itself?1.     

 kelley | kelley1975@lycos.com | IP: 70.59.155.184 I came here from Mia’s site. At first I was so extraordinarily angry that you would attack her and her beautiful family without even knowing her. Then I skimmed through your archives and saw that you are a very angry, sad person. I don’t know what happened to you in your life, but it isn’t fair to assume that the situation you were/are in is the same for every adopted child or family. Mia’s is one of the most loving, wonderful families I know, and I am sad that you apparently did not have the same. Family and love has nothing to do with biology–there are shitty biological parents, too. I know that you are going to delete this, but oh well…. 

**Someone found my blogggg!**

 I’ve received two replies from two very angry, sad people.  They are hurt that I picked on someone’s blog, and have taken it very personally; as though I was attacking the author herself. 

So, let me clear up their misconceptions: 

* “Mia” is a representation of every new parent out there, who adopts trans-racially and then just gushes about forever families and red threads, etc. etc   I suggest that you new APs and PAPs stop talking about that kind of crap and start looking at the complexities of adoption.  Read some books by adoptees.  Join groups that talk about the “hard” stuff.  Get ready for that time that your children start asking the hard questions.   

BTW, there are other options besides “would you rather she were sleeping in an orphanage or on the streets”.  Please expand your knowledge base or don’t ask those questions. 

*  Sigh…..again with the “you must have had a terrible family life”  Not really true.  Of course, as a minority in a predominantly white community, I most definitely had to deal with the racism, the stereotypes, and not having anyone around that looked like me.  But my parents were as cool as they could be back then.  So again, let me say for the millionth time to people who can only think that I had a terrible childhood…..I did not.  I love my parents and have a very good relationship with them.

 * We, adoptees, tend to have a very warped sense of humor.  When I see something that amuses me, I run with it.  The “you know you’re an adoptive mother if….” was very very funny.  It incorporated God, saving third-world children, and a complete dismissal of someone’s first mother all in one nicely packaged post.  I couldn’t help myself—the DNA that God gave me while I sat in a third-world orphanage REQUIRED a response. 

* Am I angry?  Yeah, I am.  I’m angry at adoption agencies that don’t require that PAPs understand the complexities of adoption.  I’m angry at people who don’t take the time to LEARN what it takes to raise a transracial child in a western culture before they adopt, leaving their child to navigate a very confusing world.  But I’m NOT angry at APs who do read adoptee books, who ask the hard questions, who do their best to raise their child.  I have the utmost respect for them. 

So, Mia, if you ever decide that you actually want to sincerely talk with an adult adoptee, or other APs who have walked before you, please contact me.  I will give you my respect and my advice.  You may not be ready yet, but you’d better start preparing before your adoptee starts asking.

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~ by eunmi38 on January 31, 2008.

8 Responses to “Responses to my most recent post”

  1. You were right; I was hurt and angry. And I apologize for typing in anger, it was unkind.

    I hope you will try to understand why I was hurt. Your post seemed to generalize and characterize all adoptive parents as being self-important, rich, criminals, who see children as accessories. I am an adoptive parent who has read endless books, who has taken parenting classes, cultural sensitivity classes, had every inch of my personal life scrutinized, who spent two agonizing years waiting and spent every last dime. My husband was adopted, his sister was adopted, my brother was adopted, I have friends who were adopted. Some are minorities, some were adopted domestically and some internationally. We have talked, really talked about the issues concerning adoption, race, etc. I can’t even count the number of nights I have spent crying for all that my son has lost. Or the hours that I have stared at the photos of his birth mother aching for her loss. I live everyday knowing that no matter how much I do, I may never be enough for the child who owns my heart.

    And everyday I deal with people who know nothing about me, but consider me a villain. I live in a very racially diverse area, so I get a lot of dirty looks that let me know I am not qualified to mother my son. I can’t go to the grocery store without feeling it. That hurts. It’s life and I have to deal, but it hurts.

    I didn’t pick my son out like a puppy in the window, and the insinuation was hurtful. He wasn’t a newborn and he had medical issues. But he was my son and I love him more than I could ever express to you.

    I guess it just seemed like you think you know that adoptive parents haven’t prepared. But most of the adoptive parents I know have been through hell and back. You told Mia she “better start preparing,” but how do you know she hasn’t? I know Mia, I know she has. You say you have the utmost respect for adoptive parents who do the work, but your post lumped us all together in one very ugly package.

    I hope you can tell that I am not angry as I type this, it is difficult to convey emotion in this medium, but I am sincere. I just wanted to tell you where I was coming from.

  2. I know Mia only through blogland but I did find your blog thru hers. I can understand *some* of your frustrations as I went thru them myself growing up, even though I was not adopted. My dad is Mexican and my mom is, not. Growing up, we were the only multi ethnic family in a very, very small town. My dad faced racism (in church, being pulled over constantly by the cops only because he had brown skin, etc etc…) When my husband and I decided to adopt, we took it very seriously, as do pretty much most AP’s. I admit, some of them really piss me off too, by trying to erase their children’s heritage, culture, anything of rememberance that shows their former life. I read several adoptive books, some were very difficult to read but I had to do it for the wellbeing of my child. At one time I hated being Mexican, I hated being different, I hated pretty much everything that wasn’t “white bred”, and have since grown up, embraced my culture and took two IA parenting courses. We now celebrate the Guatemalan holidays, along with the Mexican ones, Jewish ones (for my brother-in-law) and do our best to educate ourselves on ALL cultures. I’m telling you this, not to “impress” you, or to hopefully gain your respect, because quite frankly, I don’t give a rats ass what you think of me. I’m just telling you that when you berate AP’s like you have in the your recent posts, well, YOU are the ignorant one. I have no doubt that you were raised in a loving home/family. I was too. It didn’t stop me from being an immature brat and rebelling against the Mexican part of me, but thank God, I grew up, dealt with my issues, learned from them, moved on and now feel I am somewhat equipped to deal with my daughters questions and feelings as she grows up. I also know that I will make mistakes and she may think I am a terrible mother. I have no idea, I am only doing the best I can. I would advise you to maybe think before lumping all “white, Western AP’s” together into your negative preconceived notion box.

  3. I am an adult Korean adoptee, and you know what, you are still a hurtful, mean-spirirted person. You blast APs for making generalizations, yet you catgorize all adoptees as “having a warped sense of humor,” like all adoptees will rush to your angry defense in spirit of helping you hurt someone else.

    Life has given me my share of horrible people. I walk down the street and someone slants their eyes and makes Chinatown songs. I sit in a restaurant with my white boyfriend and people point and stare like I’m a zoo animal or something.

    But letting those people dictate me only justifies their point of view. It’s time that you let go of that, and focus on being at peace with yourself. Because it isn’t some AP who hasn’t done the proper research that you’re angry at, it’s yourself. Get over it and quit your constant bitching.

  4. Charlotte: Thanks for your response. I’m glad that you have done your homework and have thought of everything that goes into international adoption. I hope you continue to learn and grow. It definitely doesn’t get easier as your adoptee begins to think for himself!

    Cameo: I do know that people who grow up in multiracial families face some of the same difficulties as INAs. The difference is that you have people that look like you, that have a history to share with you. Thanks for sharing.

    Maureen: I most certainly don’t claim that ALL adoptees feel the same way I do. I’m actually a pretty mellow person. I have not attacked anyone who has responded to me, and I will not do that. If you don’t like what you’ve read, don’t read it.

  5. I didn’t think your list was mean spirited. It is thought provoking. Let’s face it, some of it has a ring of truth.

    It’s hard to show a path farther down the road when one isn’t even on that path yet (or ever possibly.)

    I don’t think I could ever work for an agency as I would worry unendingly about the children. Luck of the draw seems to place some in better situations than others.

    And it becomes a lot harder once school gets in the equation.

  6. OK, Ok. my mind is on the final days of people who are close to me, & to EM&Karin, not my Dad yet. But I just returned from Michigan, the funeral & family celebration of my wife’s Auntie. My 2 adopted daughters went, 2 years after meeting part of their extended family of similar age cousins there. Bittersweet as multi-generation family is, as life is, as the end days of a life are. EM is extended family to many, cyberfamily at least, me included. She’s a wonder. Only 24hrs in a day, even hers.
    Enough about her, let’s talk about me, more accurately Me reading all this upon my tired return tonight, reading the first post after reading another little adoption tweak on ‘IAT’ yahoo site. OOOPPSSS!!!
    I thought Mia’s Original List was a Tweak, a twist, a sarcasm, well written by an Adoptive Parent with a well-done sense of adoption humor–the elephant 2year bit–fun stuff. I didn’t see much at first scan except irony & experience & confidence, and then EM making similar good fun in her tweak.
    How disappointed I was to catch on to the comments and the follow-up ‘explanation’ EM found necessary. I hate to have to explain my little digs I toss around (won’t explain this one, I suppose) and what a bummer to see someone not ‘get’ EM. Has anyone read her invitation to private E-mail talk. Anyone care to ask EM how many private emails, private&longgggg, that she has received from me?
    Take her up on her invite. She’s a wonder. Join IAT, Karin is too.
    –Trust me, it doesn’t hurt to know a few “How many Adoptees does it take to change a lightbulb?” jokes. Insightful. and I smile.
    Oh, and I’m a Christian, and I have to wonder–a toughie, a conundrum–‘Why would God want a child separated from his mother, her mother?’ Never easy for me, but I do enjoy a sense of humor.
    God is in charge, I hope he enjoys us as we try to do our best.
    And I’m glad for the little things, like EM’s blog coming to life.

  7. This will be the last time I visit your blog page but I feel I owe you an apology for responding to your content in anger. It was wrong of me to write to you with the emotion your “tweaked” list so strongly evoked in me when I first read it. I still believe that your words were “out of line”, but I should have calmed down before I responded. I am sorry and ask your forgiveness. Please know that your projections and labels of Adoptee Parents were a personal attack against my family and all other adoptee parents, which is why I reacted so strongly, but this is not an excuse for writing in anger.

    I will not be visiting your blog any more. I do not wish to support the manner in which your are attempting to provoke change, but I do not need to go into detail because you already know how I feel. I sincerely hope you will choose to take a more positive approach in the future.

    Respectfully and apologetically, Heather

  8. I have to laugh at the above comment, “…your words were out of line.” I think people like Heather fail to realize that this is EM’s blog. She’s free to write what she damn well pleases. If it offends, if a reader doesn’t like what he/she is reading, don’t read it. End of story. Don’t act so self righteous and indignant about someone’s opinions. EM is free to have her opinions and freedom of speech about international adoption. What, you people think you’re so goddamn important that you’ve a right to censor her? So typical. I wouldn’t expect anything else.

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