How Do I Move Into the Light

How do I get through this darkness
Wanting to be alone
Feeling all alone
Wanting to scream
Only to sob

The aching, the fear
Of what is happening now
and what will happen next

Packing up the things I bought
for you
for us
brings new tears and new hurt
How did this happen

I was not supposed to be left
again
I am supposed to leave
later
When I am ready
When I am strong

I accepted the nothingness
of this relationship
I accepted the loss
of what I wanted
for the gains
that you received

I turn to the warmth of my dogs
but it’s not the same
as two big hands
one big body

I want to smell you
I’m glad you took your clothes
I can’t bear the scent
of loss
of abandonment
again

I wonder
if my mother cried
like I do now?
I wonder
if she still cries

No, no!
This is not about mother
But it is
All loss smells the same

Can’t focus
Can’t sit still
but can’t move

I rock, like the infant I still am
He still calls
and I wonder
Is it better to be abandoned
quickly
or a little at a time?

I’ve experienced both
I think quicker is better
The cut heals faster
numbs quicker
but the scar remains

How do I move into the light?
What light?
The dog paws me for attention
Wags and licks as I pet
I am her light

For now, that will have to do

©2006 Kim Eun Mi Young

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~ by eunmi38 on February 19, 2007.

One Response to “How Do I Move Into the Light”

  1. i wrote something the other day about how any pain i feel always reverts back to the original pain…the abandonment. i see i am not alone in this. it seems so odd that something unrelated will make me think of her, but i guess that is the familiar place we go to because it feels the same.

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