Responses to my most recent post

•January 31, 2008 • 8 Comments

1.      Mia | servinchrist@yahoo.com | lightbright02.blogspot.com | IP: 24.21.114.244 I could go on and on about how wrong you are but instead I wonder what hurts have caused you to make such ugly, ignorant statements? How can you make such judgemental statements about someone you have never met? I am sorry for whatever pain in your past that has lead you to say such horrible things about adoptive parents. I am praying for you that you come to know the love of Christ-He can heal your pain because He too has scars. One thing I want to leave you with. Of course it would be the best thing for my child to have stayed with her bio mom. That however, was not an option. Would you rather she were sleeping in an orphanage right now or on the streets of a 3rd world country instead of in the arms of her daddy who loves her more than life itself?1.     

 kelley | kelley1975@lycos.com | IP: 70.59.155.184 I came here from Mia’s site. At first I was so extraordinarily angry that you would attack her and her beautiful family without even knowing her. Then I skimmed through your archives and saw that you are a very angry, sad person. I don’t know what happened to you in your life, but it isn’t fair to assume that the situation you were/are in is the same for every adopted child or family. Mia’s is one of the most loving, wonderful families I know, and I am sad that you apparently did not have the same. Family and love has nothing to do with biology–there are shitty biological parents, too. I know that you are going to delete this, but oh well…. 

**Someone found my blogggg!**

 I’ve received two replies from two very angry, sad people.  They are hurt that I picked on someone’s blog, and have taken it very personally; as though I was attacking the author herself. 

So, let me clear up their misconceptions: 

* “Mia” is a representation of every new parent out there, who adopts trans-racially and then just gushes about forever families and red threads, etc. etc   I suggest that you new APs and PAPs stop talking about that kind of crap and start looking at the complexities of adoption.  Read some books by adoptees.  Join groups that talk about the “hard” stuff.  Get ready for that time that your children start asking the hard questions.   

BTW, there are other options besides “would you rather she were sleeping in an orphanage or on the streets”.  Please expand your knowledge base or don’t ask those questions. 

*  Sigh…..again with the “you must have had a terrible family life”  Not really true.  Of course, as a minority in a predominantly white community, I most definitely had to deal with the racism, the stereotypes, and not having anyone around that looked like me.  But my parents were as cool as they could be back then.  So again, let me say for the millionth time to people who can only think that I had a terrible childhood…..I did not.  I love my parents and have a very good relationship with them.

 * We, adoptees, tend to have a very warped sense of humor.  When I see something that amuses me, I run with it.  The “you know you’re an adoptive mother if….” was very very funny.  It incorporated God, saving third-world children, and a complete dismissal of someone’s first mother all in one nicely packaged post.  I couldn’t help myself—the DNA that God gave me while I sat in a third-world orphanage REQUIRED a response. 

* Am I angry?  Yeah, I am.  I’m angry at adoption agencies that don’t require that PAPs understand the complexities of adoption.  I’m angry at people who don’t take the time to LEARN what it takes to raise a transracial child in a western culture before they adopt, leaving their child to navigate a very confusing world.  But I’m NOT angry at APs who do read adoptee books, who ask the hard questions, who do their best to raise their child.  I have the utmost respect for them. 

So, Mia, if you ever decide that you actually want to sincerely talk with an adult adoptee, or other APs who have walked before you, please contact me.  I will give you my respect and my advice.  You may not be ready yet, but you’d better start preparing before your adoptee starts asking.

You know you’re an adoptive mom if….

•January 26, 2008 • 39 Comments

The following was posted on one of my groups.  I couldn’t resist “tweaking” it myself!  

I stole this idea from my friend Amber and tweaked it a little.


You know you are an adoptive mother (or you should be!) if:
1. The fact that there are 143 million children without a parent to
kiss them goodnight has ever made you lose sleep.
2. You realize DNA has nothing to do with love and family.
3. You can’t watch Adoption Stories on TLC without sobbing.
4. The fact that if 7% of Christians adopted 1 child, there would be no orphans in the world is convicting to you.
5. You spend free time surfing blogs about families who have
experienced the blessing of adoption.
6. It drives you crazy when people ask you about your adopted
child’s “real” parents.
7. You have ever been “pregnant” with your adoptive child longer than it takes an elephant to give birth (2 years!)
8. You had no idea how you would afford to adopt but stepped out in faith anyway knowing where God calls you He will provide.
9. You have ever taken a airplane ride half way around the world with a child you just met.
10. You believe God’s heart is for adoption.
11. You realize that welcoming a child into your heart and family is one of the most important legacy’s you could ever leave on this earth.
12. You shudder when people say your child is so lucky that you
adopted them, knowing full well you are the blessed one to have them in your life.
13. You know what the word Dossier means and you can actually pronounce it!
14. You have welcomed a social worker into the most private parts of your life.
15. You know full well that the journey of your child coming into
your family is one of the most wonderful, miraculous things that has ever happened to you. Posted by MiaJ at 10:11 PM  http://lightbright02.blogspot.com/2008/01/you-know-youre-adoptive-mom-if.html   

Here’s my “tweak” 

You know you’re an adoptive mom if….  1.   You sleep well, at night, knowing that you, an upper-class westerner, had the means to buy a poor woman’s baby.  

2.   You don’t ever have to contribute to another “Save the Children” Program.  You’ve paid up for the rest of your life!  

3.   You’re proven right that God doesn’t like poor, third-world women.  

4.   Your adoptee grows up with a mental illness or anger issues, and it didn’t come from either you or your husband’s side of the family.  

5.   You get to keep your figure and your boobs are STILL perky  

6.   People see you as a hero for rescuing those poor minority babies.  

7.   You get all kinds of wonderful tax breaks.  

8.   You had a pretty china doll when you were a child, and now you get one for REAL!  

9.   You can give your child back and get a different one (that one cried sooo much)  

10.  You get angry at people for comparing pet adoptions to baby adoptions (ok, so both post pictures and write sad stories, and you have to get approved—it’s still not the same!)  

11.  You have the money to make that DWI charge disappear before the homestudy.  And everyone knows that your husband was framed in that Dateline “To Catch A Predator” series).  

12.  If you had to fly halfway across the world to buy your baby, but got to stay in a 4-star hotel where they gave away free colored Barbies.   

Article: Re-evaluating Adoption

•January 2, 2008 • 1 Comment

Excellent article:

http://mrzine. monthlyreview. org/drennan26120 7.htmlRe-evaluating Adoption: Validating the Local
by Daniel Drennan

After it was reported that a French NGO named Arche de Zoé had
attempted to airlift a planeload of children out of Chad for adoption
in France, Ann Veneman, Executive Director of UNICEF, stated:
“This is not something that should be tolerated by the international
community. It is unacceptable to see children taken out of their
home countries without compliance with national and international
laws.”

Her outrage unfortunately reflects a one-sided worldview concerning
adoption today. It can be traced back to Pearl S. Buck and other
advocates from the middle of last century who saw in international
adoption a “saving grace” for children around the globe. This
sentiment, echoed in Arche de Zoé’s mission statement, has always
served as an excuse to use “orphans” as props, backdrops, and camera
fodder. Operation Babylift, the post-Vietnam War media relations
effort of the United States government, attempted to give Americans a
positive spin on its role in the war. Unwitnessed, however, were
distraught Vietnamese mothers, tearfully separated from their
children who were forced onto waiting airplanes for transport
overseas. Adoption’s current vogue due to Hollywood celebrity public
relations campaigns, which date back to the days of Joan Crawford,
exemplifies but one of its more cynical manifestations. More
recently, an article in New York magazine basically asks parents to
quantify the unquantifiable: the love they have for their adopted
children. These examples, including the statement from UNICEF,
likewise reflect only one side of the debate: namely that of the
adoptive parent, couple, and country.

This perception focuses solely on the unique instance of adoption as
beneficent act; viewed only by itself, out of context, this is
perhaps an inarguable truth. Yet individual adoption is deceptively
marketed and packaged around this humanistic aspect. It mistakenly
presupposes a globally valid nuclear family, as well as a concept of
Third-World deliverance coming in individual doses from the developed
regions of the world; it extols the child as now “better off,”
or “lucky,” or “chosen.” It depicts adoption as better than nothing
and proclaims that little can be done on an individual level to
change the global situation. Adoption can thus be seen to fulfill
certain needs of dominant global culture, not just those of parents
wishing to start a family, and focuses on children who are (perhaps
ideally) least capable to speak for themselves.

These arguments, however, do not hold up to scrutiny and raise more
questions than they answer. At the general level, the idea that
nothing can be done to effect change in the world is self-deceiving
and reflects a willful ignorance of the sacrifices required to make
that change: the standard of living of the First World comes at the
expense of the Third World; and there are things that could be done
to greatly alleviate if not eliminate poverty in the world today if
the collective will to do so, which would require change in the
standard of living of the First World, existed. More specifically,
even if we accept the premise that adopting children lifts them out
of poverty or “saves” them, it is possible to argue that another
First-World consumer in fact makes things worse on a global scale.
To further deliberate: adoption on the international level creates
a “demand” for orphans that is answered by Third-World countries and
the agencies that serve them with a “supply” of children; it is
problematic to bring a foreign-born child into a non-multi-cultural
environment; individualistic, nuclear family-based cultures undo
other more community-based cultures. Do we simply deny that baby
theft and brokering exist? Is it not paradoxical that underclass
children in First-World societies go unadopted, often for racist and
ageist reasons? What aberrant First-Worldist rationale allows for
the adoption of Third-World children, while forbidding adults from
these same Third-World countries to emigrate, or while deporting
those already present back to their home countries?

Extending this logically: does the Caribbean immigrant nanny in New
York City (ironically perhaps tending to a Third-World adopted infant
while far from her own family) not have the same rights as the mother
she serves? As the Chadian village that has been convinced that
there is a “better life” elsewhere for its children? As the adopted
child who never asked to grow up in an alien and often alienating
culture? Do they all have nothing to say because there is no
equality of stature, no parity of action available to them, no
ability to travel to Europe or America to select a white baby for
themselves, no recognition of their way of life as valid, because
they have no privilege and are exploitable? Should the world become
suddenly egalitarian, all children given a place in their respective
communities if not families, what would childless couples do then?
It is obvious why no one hears this side of the argument. The truth
stings, and we recoil in the face of it, as when listening to news
reports of the recent scandal from Chad; or when I hear a mother
state of her daughter adopted from a former Soviet republic: “Of
course I bought my baby!”; or when I stare at the check that my
orphanage in Lebanon “accepted” as a gift from my parents; or when I
realize that all of the names on my documentation that might link me
to a birth family are completely falsified.

The blind eye turned to this bigger picture naturally overlooks the
reality of adopted children’s lives. Those who spent years in my
orphanage remember being told that some parents-cadeaux (gift-
parents) were coming to “choose a lucky child.” We are chastised
that we should stop searching for something that cannot be ours. For
many here, we are “les enfants du peché” — the children of sin –
and are not welcome, or else we are grudgingly received with grating
platitudes. This article will tar me as an ungrateful adoptee, which
is the furthest thing from the truth. None of the above monological
attitudes take into consideration the thoughts, feelings, or needs of
the very subjects of their so-called advocacy. They are meant to
deflect questioning and derail criticism, while disparaging non-First-
World views concerning adoption. They place adopted children in an
existential limbo which is unjust, uncharitable, and ignoble.

Many of us recall being informed that we are fortunate since adoption
is not allowed “among the Muslims.” To those who are raised
believing in the supremacy of the couple and child(ren)-based social
unit, the very idea of growing up in an orphanage, with no “family,”
or otherwise under “guardianship, ” is unfathomable, if not
horrifying. Since moving back to Lebanon three years ago, I have
realized that the Qur’anic invocation concerning adoption has
everything to do with children maintaining their lineage, their name,
and their place in the community. Most remarkable then is the fact
that these very concepts — of lineage, name, appearance, and
original community — are the issues that most plague adult
adoptees. So it should come as no surprise that those who find their
birth parents — for example, as documented in the film, Daughter of
Danang, or the recent Reader’s Digest article entitled “The Lost
Princess” — are often welcomed “home” by a village and not just a
single family, in a complete reversal of their original trip to their
adoptive land. This has been most astonishing for me in Lebanon, in
terms of who has extended their community to me, beyond any
preconceived expectations, much less familial or communal ties.
There can be no feigning shock that the willful and deliberate
misunderstanding of family and community should result in this most
recent African scandal and the protests it begets, or that those
destined for so-called salvation should be the ones who suffer most.

Many of the adoptees from my orphanage share one desire: the honest
truth and an open discussion of their earliest days. This is where
the original spin meets on-the-street reality, and it is a violent
and unendurable encounter. Coming back to Lebanon has been nothing
if not a rude awakening, and if I am no longer looking for my birth
parents it is because I see in this search a selfish act, living now
as I do in a place with an unimaginable poverty level and a political
situation that is unstable to say the very least. Searching is thus
a luxury, and I have let it go; comparatively speaking, I have
nothing to complain about: what I have discovered regarding the
abandonment and adoption of all of us who were processed through the
orphanage in Beirut is too terrible to bear sometimes. I am loathe
to hear questions from adoptees starting their search here, because I
have little but heartbreak to extend to them. To continue to view
adoption in its previous mythologised and romanticized manner has for
many of us become insufferable, if not impossible.

At the same time, I am daily witness to endless First-World
interference here on the political, cultural, and economic level and
so can’t help but make the logical leap to add adoption to a long
list of injustices perpetrated from without. And I add my voice to
those from the other side of the adoption myth, from fellow adoptees
and the communities they come from, who now demand that the chance to
critique be afforded those most justified to speak, yet most
silenced. To quote an African Union missive in response to the
recent events in Chad, there exists a lack of “dignity and respect”
on the issue that is but a continuation of how the First World has
historically viewed and treated the rest of humanity. The focus
concerning adoption needs to shift from parent to child, from
First
World to Third. It is time to discuss international adoption openly
and honestly, in order to be fair to all those affected by it. It is
time to speak about the trafficking of the most fragile and
defenseless of humans. It is time to speak about the hypocrisy that
ignores the ever-growing gap between the First and Third Worlds and
the terrible abuse of the current power imbalance between them — a
continuation of a sordid history in which the poor, the nether,
the “uncivilized” portions of the planet serve as source material to
be plundered, exported, and sold.
In naming their organization “Arche de Zoé” — a play on the French
for “Noah’s Ark” — we can see this age-old romanticism and arrogant
interference semantically revealed: there are children saved, and the
rest — the unfortunate children of sin — damned to their fate.
This NGO and by extension the First World thus play God, with
disastrous results. This missionary idea condemns people to their
given status without considering it a direct function of the vagaries
of international economic, political, and cultural systems put in
place by the First World at the expense of the Third. We must
acknowledge what international adoption represents, and what its
consequences are, not just locally or individually, but globally and
in terms of our shared humanity. To simply accept one perspective of
adoption, one that doesn’t give voice to adoptees and those of their
places of origin simply because it validates our sense of self, is
morally and ethically untenable.

Long after this story dies down, and Angelina Jolie and Madonna are
out of the news, and the millionth casting call for Annie takes
place, it is the children as well as their original communities who
still have to live with and process what has happened to them. I
would restate Ms. Veneman’s statement thus:

“It is unacceptable to see children taken out of their home
countries.”

Period. This admission, this truly local starting point, might
hopefully shift the attention of adoptive parents beyond the children
they have welcomed into their families to the world far outside their
homes; a shift, by extension, from the North to the South, from the
First World to the Third. It might also allow us to see,
acknowledge, and validate for the first time the “world family” we
are thus connected to. Most telling in the Arche de Zoé affair is
the difference between the protest against the actions of this NGO in
terms of “international law” and the outcry of a different kind that
is directed against the received wisdom, the salvationist sentiment
itself: a protest that seeks to address issues of globalization,
world politics, local cultures, and international economics, directly
challenges the prevailing notions of presumed universalist culture,
rightly puts adoption back into context, and thus requires much more
of us all in terms of good will, altruism, and selflessness.

To admit this, to shift perspectives, to recognize the other’s
viewpoint, would allow those of the developed world to understand
what this most recent scandal represents to those they share the
planet with, and would reveal that in the spectrum of adoption it is
impossible to separate what deserves outrage from what does not; the
application of make-up to Chadian children in an effort to literally
paint them as Darfour refugees in preparation for their kidnapping
from Africa is just one end of the spectrum, one manifestation of
problems systemic to a First-World view of things. When voice is
given to all concerned, when the discussion is finally and honestly
balanced, only then will adoption no longer be tainted with the
lingering remnants of an unjustly divided world.

‘Replacement’ adoptees

•December 15, 2007 • 2 Comments

In light of the recent ‘disruption’ of a korean adoptee that had been adopted by a diplomat family, a fellow KAD found this on an adoption agency’s website.  I thought it deserved a second look (my thoughts are in parantheses):

When Adoption Can’t Be Forever

Adoption Disruption is an Option

(Also see Indicators of Adoption Disruption” and “A Story of Adoption Disruption“)Contact us regarding Adoption Disruption

When adoptive families start the process of adoption with an agency, they have the good intention of bringing a child into the family permanently. There are times, even with overwhelming love and intervention for the child and family, when the adoption just can’t survive – an adoption dissolution is an option….. (A “forever” family is not necessarily forever in the adoption world!)

…Through a replacement, (WTF????  Replacement?  Lessee…we replace THINGS, not children!) your child may be able to go to a family that can better meet his or her special needs. The new adoptive family may be a better match. There are numerous factors that lead to adoption disruption:

  • The child is an inappropriate match to your family (In other words, you were so fucking impatient in buying a child, you didn’t really do any research regarding the child itself)
  • The adoption agency failed to prepare you for the special needs of the child (B ecause the agency was only interested in the amount of money you could conjure up, they failed to mention that adoption can be extremely traumatic to children!)
  • The child had poor preparation for the adoption process (Yeah, no one told the child that they were going to be taken away from people who looked like them, thrown into an all-white family in an all-white town, and thrust into an entirely different culture.)
  • There are unrealistic expectations of the child or the adoptive parents experience (“Well, we buy stuff on ebay all of the time, and we’re always satisfied with our purchase!”)
  • Your parenting style conflicts with techniques the child responds to the best (He/should have just fit right in.  It’s his/her fault that I lost my temper and banged their head against a wall.  I mean, what kid doesn’t like mac & cheese?”)
  • Lack of a strong support system for your family or you have relatives that disagree with your adoption (It is very stressful when your mother doesn’t understand why you had to buy a china doll when there’s perfectly good white babies out there)
  • Lack of support from your adoption agency (HAHAHA)
  • Failure to assess services for the child that may be needed
  • The child has emotional or attachment issues or past abuse that were unknown to you or were not disclosed at the time of placement by the adoption agency (Sheesh, no one thought that a child dumped by their biological mother would NOT have attachment issues?)

What to tell the child

Honesty is always the best way to handle to emotional process of telling the child about the replacement. It is not the child’s fault but rather factors that have occurred in the family system up to this point. The child must come to understand that just because they are being replaced, that they are still a lovable person. You, as the adult, must accept the responsibility for the replacement, regardless of the perceived situation that precipitated the replacement. In order to help your child transit, you must give them permission to be happy somewhere else. You must not blame the child for the disruption or they will carry it with them into the next placement making the adjustment even more difficult.

A few phrases that maybe appropriate are listed below:

  • “It’s not your fault”
  • “Maybe we weren’t the family that was meant to be your forever family. Maybe we were meant to get you out of (foster care/ the orphanage) and help you get to your forever family”
  • “Our family isn’t the best family for you, you deserve a family who can take care of you the way you need to be able to be taken care of”.
  • “I/We love you and we want what is best for you. We can not meet your needs”.
  • “We have found a counselor who has looked the world over and he/she found a family that is right for you”

Time to grieve and heal

Your family will need time to deal with the replacement emotionally. The loss of the child can be devastating. You may need to start individual, couple, or family counseling to deal with the child’s removal as well as tackle other issues that may have arisen during the crisis. It is important to remember, it’s no one fault.

 This last statement is just so funny.  No one’s fault?  The only one not at fault is the child.  The agency is at fault for not doing the right thing by telling a PAP that raising an adopted child is different than raising a biological child.  Adopted children come with baggage that occurred the moment they were given up.  But agencies don’t really care about the children they are selling; only about the money.

 

Maybe we should cut off a finger of the agency rep for each disruption.  Hm….they’d either start doing a better job or go out of business.  Either way, it’s win/win for everyone involved.

 

It’s the PAPs fault too.  Who goes into a planned, supposedly lifetime commitment without doing some research?  Instead of believing that god wants them to have an adopted child, instead of planning yard sales, instead of asking for money on ebay or craig’s list, how about PAPs actually talking with adoptees, reading books, and demanding pre- and post-training?  Nah….too hard for those who only want what they want.

 

The whole thing sickens me.  I hope it does you too.

The Grocery List

•July 22, 2007 • 1 Comment

Grocery List:
Butter
Eggs
Milk
Pasta

Sitting, looking at this list
things I need
but can do without

One more thing needs to be added
thing I need
but can’t do without

Are they really selfless
these mothers that never were?

I have another new dog
passed around too many times
in her young life

Jumps at every sound
wary but wanting
the love I can give

Meanwhile,
Loki snuggles on my lap
has he forgotten his former life?

I want to be him
I want to forget

A show was on tonight
a fictional, happy-ever-after plot
adopted daughter finds father and grandmother

A momentary lapse into fantasy
but then reality sets in
of something I need, but will never find

Grocery List:
Butter
Eggs
Milk
Pasta


Mother

Something I can’t live without

Dogs and Adoption

•June 9, 2007 • 3 Comments

I lost my little dobergirl today.  When I came home yesterday, her leg was really swollen and she just couldn’t get comfortable.   She was still eating well; she’s always been food driven, but her quality of life was going downhill fast.  I took her to the vet and gave her lots of kisses while the vet slipped the needle in.

I think it’s harder, as an adoptee, to let go of those we love.   I’ve always been an animal advocate; had my own rescue group for 6 years.   Nothing hits me harder than to see a dog or cat out there on the streets, scared-hungry-alone.   In some way, conscious or not, we know what it’s like to be left.   Animals generally tend to be the safest relationship; they love without hesitation and won’t leave you willingly.

She was a great girl.  She was hypersensitive to my moods.   She never complained, even when she was in pain.  She was smart and loving.  I’ll miss her so.

Sativa

•June 6, 2007 • 3 Comments

Sativa 002

Black and beautiful
I’m losing a piece of my heart rapidly
Osteosarcoma- -bone cancer
the blond angel, posing as a vet
says

At 8 y/o
she’s more dominant than most males
and yet
she’s first in line
to lick the tears from my eyes

How long? I ask
Maybe a month
maybe two
the pain will worsen
each and every day

Keep her on pain meds
until they don’t help any longer
Then do the kindest thing
but how do I send away
she who loves me best?

I am her mother
not by birth, but by love
I will love her
and hold her
and give her sad kisses

That’s what mothers do

Disruption

•May 19, 2007 • Leave a Comment

APs often complain that adoption is not given the same worth as having one’s own child.  Perhaps, one of the reasons for this is the ability for some to disrupt (or give a child back).  There are valid reasons, and I know of some APs who have done so for, what appears to be, valid reasons….serious medical conditions that were not known about before the adoption occurred.  But some, and these are the ones that should NEVER be allowed to adopt again, disrupt because the child cries or throws tantrums.  These people are the ones that give APs a bad name.

 Anyways, a new poem…

Dear Adoption Agency,

I am sorry to inform
that this child you sold
is less than perfect

We paid alot
we expect perfection
no whining
no tantrums
no crying

The funds raised
from family, friends
the internet
demand a child
free of fault

We didn’t know
that we would get
less
we are not ashamed
of asking for more

We await our refund
or a different model
that fits our needs

Sincerely,
__________
(fill in blank)

Things that piss off adoption agencies

•April 14, 2007 • 6 Comments

Remember that movie, The Last Temptation of Christ?  Right-wing fundies got their panties in a tizzy about it, which, of course, made me want to go see it immediately.  Perfectly boring movie.  I’m thinking there was a conspiracy between the movie industry and the fundies to make sure that people spent perfectly good money on a bad film!

On to my point…..

A movie is currently playing that has the adoption agencies in a frenzy.  The movie is “Meet the Robinsons”.  One adoption agency has recently sent an email out to the various AP groups with the following message:

>>>>”Dear WHFC Family,

We feel that it is important to warn you about a Disney movie called “Meet the Robinsons” that is now playing in many local cinemas. The advertising for this animated feature makes it sound like a great movie for any young child, but this is misleading. Fortunately, one of our adoptive parents alerted us about the negative adoption messages in the story and the very unhappy experience she had with both of her children who were greatly disturbed by the  messages conveyed in this film….”<<<<

Ya know, if this AP has children that were very disturbed by the messages, I’m very disturbed about the parents of these kids.  Let’s read on though…

>>>>”As a result, I went to see the film to decide if it warranted putting out an alert to our adoptive parent community. Indeed, I thought the concerns raised were completely justified.

The movie is filled with extraordinarily inappropriate messages about adoption. The basic story is about an adorable baby whose birthmother leaves him on the doorstep of an orphanage. Portrayed as loving, sweet, extremely smart and overly appealing, he spends the next 12 years of his life wanting a family and being turned down by one family after another. In all, more than 100 couples refuse to adopt him. One scene shows a prospective dad losing interest in adoption because this very smart little boy is more interested in science than sports. The prospective parents leave the disappointed child in an angry huff when he accidentally splatters them with some food from his science project.  This is supposed to be funny….”<<<<<

I have to wonder….what upsets her most?  The fact that this is funny or that PAPs (prospective adoptive parents) are portrayed in less than the white, savior-inducing light that they want to see themselves in?  Face it folks, there are definitely PAPs out there that act this way, although we don’t hear about them very often in the media.  They even have a name for it—-disruption.  That means, “hey, you just didn’t live up to our expectations so we’re giving you back”.   Nice, huh?

>>>”Since no one else wants him, the child invents a time machine in order to go back in time to find his birth mother. The “bad guy” in his time travel journey turns out to be his best buddy from childhood, once his orphanage roommate. Now an emotional wreck resulting from being left behind when the orphanage was closed and shut down, the once-cute orphan is now mean and devious. Another chuckle.  Various monsters attack the child as continues his birth mother search. You get the picture!  I found “Meet the Robinsons” to be both tasteless and totally insensitive regarding adoption issues. Please think very carefully before taking your child to see it, whether adopted or not. You may want to preview the movie yourself before deciding whether your child chould see it or not. At the very least, help prepare your child by letting him or her know about the adoption theme before seeing it. It is important for our children to know that orphanages no longer exist in the U.S. and that the adoption process is totally different from what is portrayed in this “pretend” movie. I will write the Disney Corporation to let them know about my concerns about their flippant way of dealing with issues that are extremely important and not funny for millions of adoptees and their families in this country and around the world.”<<<<<

Hey, you know what I don’t find funny?  I don’t find it funny that these bloodsuckers charge thousands and thousands of dollars selling children from other countries and make millions off of us.  I don’t find it funny that they usually don’t require that PAPs attend mandatory pre-adoption classes, taught by adoptees, so that these people are prepared when they adopt a transracial child.  I don’t find it funny that when an adoptee becomes an adult, they want to charge the adoptee for their records (as if they haven’t gotten enough money off us already).  And I don’t find it funny that they don’t give back to the country from which they are taking so that the country’s social services can be strengthened.

I don’t find it funny that these agencies even exist.

As far as the APs are concerned, my advice to you is to not worry about this movie.   You should be worrying more about whether you’ve chosen to live in a predominantly white neighborhood when you have a transracial child.  Worry about whether you’ve prepared your child for the racist remarks he/she will have to deal with in their schools, among their friends, in their communities.  Worry about whether you’ve read enough books by adult adoptees.  Worry about your reaction the first time your child asks you where his/her “real” mother is, or wants to talk about his “first” mom.  Those are REAL concerns.  Those should be YOUR concerns.

And don’t rent ”The Last Temptation of Christ”.  For that matter, don’t rent that Mel Gibson version either.

They both sucked.
 

Change

•March 31, 2007 • 1 Comment

A fellow employee came into my office the other day and told me that she had been promoted into another job, and she wanted me to apply for hers.  Her job is as a trainer, and she thinks that I’d be perfect in that position.  I told her that I’d apply, as soon as I finished completing the application. 

And there’s the thing.  My half-completed application has been sitting in limbo for at least a month now.   It’s not that I’m apathetic, it’s just that I don’t like change.   Once I get comfortable somewhere, I’m there until I’m kicked out.

I wasn’t one of those over-achiever adoptees growing up.  I was the antithesis of that.  It took me 10 years to earn my bachelor’s degree.   While most find it commendable that I stay at my jobs for years and years, I just see it as comfortable….comforting.  And I have to wonder, is it that I just lack the ambition that drives others to reach for the stars, or is it due to being adopted?  Am I not dating yet because I’m still mourning the loss or because I don’t want to play the leaving game again?  

Change for an adoptee is hard on us sometimes.  We’ve had so much change in our lives….traumatic changes.   Changes in mother, country, culture.  Dulls the senses when making a determination on whether the change is positive or negative, helpful or harmful.  And folks, I don’t trust my own sense of judgment on this, given this last relationship I was in!

Ahhh….the ADHD kicks in and I’m now trying to figure out why one of my dogs wants to lick the other dog’s butt, and then lick my arm.  Oh well…..it’s late and I’m off to bed.