Comments on: You know you’re an adoptive mom if….

By: Courtney

Courtney — Thu, 14 May 2009 20:45:46 +0000

Kris,
I’m an AP of a 5 year old son from Korea. Could you please tell me how you are raising the child you adopted in light of your experiences as an adoptee yourself? I really mean this as a sincere question. I’m not an adoptee, but my “bio” parents did a pretty good job of messing with my head when I was growing up. So there are plenty of mistakes I’ve vowed not to make as a result of my upbringing, but I really want to know the opions or have advice from the adult adoptee community. (I have to confess that I browse quite a few adoptee blogs because I really want to know how people feel about their experiences.) I also have another confession: We didn’t adopt our son out of some noble act of charity; we adopted him because we wanted to parent a child. We send money to a charity that helps support orphans (defined by that agency as having lost their fathers since their mothers usually have no means of support without their husband) so that they can have adequate food, education, and medical care; that’s our act of charity.
But really, I welcome advice/opinions, etc. from adult adoptees—even if I find it tough to read.

By: Mei-Ling

Mei-Ling — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 02:16:55 +0000

The “angry” labeling helps no one.

By: eunmi38

eunmi38 — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 01:42:51 +0000

Very angry lady. Seriously, I’m done with you.

By: Mei-Ling

Mei-Ling — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 01:03:46 +0000

” I’m sure she’ll know where to find the cult.”

We are not a cult.

By: Dee

Dee — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:40:33 +0000

“I may not always be the person she wants to talk to about these things, but she will know that she is allowed to feel absolutely anything she want to feel as long as she wants to feel it, and that I will be there for her always.”

Not empathetic? My god sister, my empathy has almost down right killed me in this life. I know how to put myself in someone else’s shoes, maybe a little too well. I think you’re giving the the wrong person the wrong kind of advise. Who do you think raised the brother and sister my mother left behind? Have you ever become the legal parent of your sibling? I know how to make it not about me.

My daughter being black is another issue entirely. I am half native and I have been confused for mexican my entire life. My sister has two biological children’s whose father is black, and let me tell you, she looks NOTHING like her children and she gave birth to them. My daughter will go through all kinds of crap, I’m sure, when it comes to her race, and we will deal with it as it’s thrown at us. Stereotypes suck.

But I don’t know what you mean about if you think I don’t know my kid won’t go through issue, or be pissed about things. Is she going to react exactly like YOU? Probably not. But there could be similarities, sure. Maybe you don’t get what I’m really trying to say. I DON’T CARE IF MY DAUGHTER DECIDED SHE HATES ADOPTION. I don’t care if she hates me and her father, I don’t care if she ends up despising our old dog ,Lucky. She will still be our daughter, and we will love her unconditionally.

You don’t scare me with warnings that my child will hate me because I don’t believe she’s going to turn out to be your clone. Haven’t you had children? Like about 95% end of hating you for a while. I’m not worried about my daughter rebelling against me and using adoption to throw in my face. Teenagers ALWAYS find something wrong with you, but that’s not the parents concern, the parents concern is that their children get every opportunity and every bit of love they deserve. Period. But she could have other concerns later, when she’s older having children herself. I wan tot be a part of that life too, and I know the way to do that is to let her do her thing. I know that.

“Learn from those who have walked the path already” Okay, I’m starting to laugh, this sound like a creepy jesus person statement. What “path” are you talking about. The path of being relinquished. I just told you my story, haven’t we both walked paths of loss? Is yours somehow just a wee bit better than mine? If my daughter wants to think that adoption is negative and jaded, I’m sure she’ll know where to find the cult. What do you think I’m suppose to say to my daughter, okay daughter, I am going to abandon my instincts to be your mother and give you to the wise adult adoptees who really are just a teeny tiny fraction of all adoptees in the world, but they are riotous and claim to know an almighty higher truth?

Why wouldn’t I just send her to catechism?

By: Mei-Ling

Mei-Ling — Sun, 15 Mar 2009 00:03:49 +0000

Yes, Dee thinks I am “indignant” about claiming my birthrights.

Sigh.

http://adoptionsurvivor.wordpress.com/2008/10/19/its-all-about-me/

It’s the 2nd last comment from the bottom.

By: eunmi38

eunmi38 — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 23:37:13 +0000

Because you are a parent of a TRA and some of your comments lead me to believe that you will not be as empathetic as you should be as your child is growing up. Some adoptees are not parents, but all adoptees have experienced universal events in their lives (loss of biological parents, abandonment). Your comment, “I can’t help but think that some of these adult adoptees really got stiffed with some one-dimensional APs” is yet another indicator that you truly don’t get it. Many of us have great parents, and they went with what they were taught during that time period. But we see the same thing happening, regardless of what era we are looking at. Even today, we see so many APs with that “MY child won’t be like THEM” attitude. Months, or even years later, we see them come back to an online group, tail between their legs, telling us that their once perfect child is now crying or raging etc. One thing that adoptees have learned, through experience, is that most of us have wisdom that APs don’t have. Your child is young, and your parenting is young. I’m not saying that your parenting is bad; but you are uninformed because you haven’t been doing it for very long.

Learn from those who have walked the path already. Be open to what we are saying, whether it’s said in seriousness or black humor. One thing that you said, regarding your growing up in your family, was that it wasn’t about you; it was about your mother. That’s what you need to be saying now, with regards to your own child….it’s not about you.

By: Dee

Dee — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 23:18:49 +0000

But why are you telling me how to be a parent eunmi38? Constantly i see adult adoptees telling AP’s how to raise their children. I can’t help but think some of these Adult adoptees really got stiffed with some one dimensional AP’s. How can I not assume this with what so many of you seem to expect from us? What makes you think I wouldn’t empathize with my daughter’s confusion, or that she wouldn’t come to me when she is confused? There’s a good chance it will be hard for her to accept that she was relinquished, it will take her time, and of course she will take exactly as much time as she needs to take, and I may not always be the person she wants to talk to about these things, but she will know that she is allowed to feel absolutely anything she want to feel as long as she wants to feel it, and that I will be there for her always.

“Sometimes, we’re angry or sad, but we’re also happy and content. One can acknowledge the pain and losses without being labeled as “angry”. ”

I mean really eunmi38, have you ever met anyone in your life who wasn’t all these things at once. Humans are a complicated species, and all of us at all times have multiple feelings. I recognize this in all people, and of course I will in my daughter as well.

By: eunmi38

eunmi38 — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 23:00:43 +0000

>>>”My concern is to raise my daughter with an understanding that what happened to her was not her fault, but that the ultimate goal in life is not to dwell on the bad things that happened to you, but to become stronger because of them. Life can always be worse and that the goal is to survive and be happy. My daughter and my legacy is not a legacy of genetics, but it is indeed a legacy of lost mothers, but it doesn’t not mean I am not her mother. We have not found each other, and we belong together.”<<<

Your comment that your child shouldn’t “dwell” on the bad things is a bit worrisome, because your child WILL dwell on the bad things, at some point in her life….the same way that you have actually dwelled on your relationship with your mother. In your post, I sense that despite your insisting that you have moved on from your unhappiness, you are actually still very much connected to this mother that abandoned you; still angry with her. That’s completely understandable, and I hope that you will work through it all at some point.

And that’s what adult adoptees are doing as well. Sometimes, we’re angry or sad, but we’re also happy and content. One can acknowledge the pain and losses without being labeled as “angry”. We can, and do, acknowledge the gains as well as the losses. The fact that you can’t see that tells me that you are not where you need to be in raising a TRA yet, and you need to be there before your child starts asking a lot of questions.

By: Mei-Ling

Mei-Ling — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 21:15:24 +0000

“You call adoption an industry, and actually, i agree, but it is an industry that has emerged from a need that maybe you cannot fathom because you can’t understand the relinquishment process. Most of these women give up. They hand there children away, and they cry, and they blame life and circumstances, and later, they get hip on jargon, and then blame an “industry”. But don’t you see that they could have never been part of this industry unless they choose to be part of it. ”

You should have just stopped there and held up a big sign saying “corruption does not exist in adoption.”